Disarray
by Never Surrender
Summary: Disarray: A disorganized and confused state. Does he really want him back after what he wrote? And does what he wrote make sense? He knows nothing can change what happened in the past… the good… and the bad. OOCness, SlashYaoi, KOGAINU sad realizations!


**Title: **Disarray

**Author: **Never Surrender/ Evie

**Summary: ** Disarray: A disorganized and confused state. Does he really want him back after what he wrote? And does what he wrote make sense?He spilt his inner thoughts into his computer as he walked around present day Tokyo. Thoughts about the past, but more specifically, about his past with the one demon he always wanted. His Happy Ending, as he likes to call it, is linked with his… who knew a computer could change everything. When he knew, nothing could change what happened in the past… the good… and the bad.

**Rating: **T+, M

**Warnings**: Male/Male relations. Yaoi. Slash. What ever floats ya boat. Suggestive themes. The realization that a computer changed your life.

**A.N: **yeah… I've been working on this for about two months. Coming and going. Adding and subtracting. And finally I'm done. And I like it, although in the beginning I was going for a completely different ending. But this one is sufficient. My other projects will get done, just let me have my fun with a few one shots. Also, I'm totally fine with writing love scenes, its just I cant. I cant write them for the life of me… which saddens me… Any way!

Enjoy!!

**Key: BOLD**- computer/journal entries.

-

**I'm sitting in my favourite spot of all time, and no, it's not in a tree I haven't sat in that tree for centuries. Its not that I can't, because I could, it's that I promised myself that I wouldn't go looking for her, I would leave her be and let her live her life. It's hard to, I still remember where her house is, and some days I find myself heading her street, but I stop and turn around. Right now I'm sitting in a coffee shop, yes it sounds a but cliché, but hey, we all need some place that relaxes us, and since I cant sit in my tree, I'll sit in my coffee shop and drink my quad-grande, decaf, non-fat, sugar free, extra hot, no foam caramel macchiato. **

**Yeah I know, how the hell can I say that every time I come to the coffee shop? Well when you say it once, and you come to the shop as often as I do, they get to know you and get to know what you want. One would say that I'm picky, and maybe I am, it's not as if I drink that stuff. I just order it for the sake of ordering something. The one girl at the counter has dubbed me 'The Picky One', but I don't care, I understand that I am picky, and there is NO way I can change that fact.**

**  
And so I begin… I don't think I have to tell you my name, you all should know it, if you don't… well, the name's InuYasha. I'd love to go back in time and tell you about my self, but I don't have the patience to do that. I didn't in my past, and it's hard to grow out of things, trust me. But I guess for the sake of argument I could tell you a little bit about me, and why I am different. If you where to see me today and compare me to myself from the Jewel Shard days, you'd see HUGE differences. Hair, clothes, attitude; those are the three main things that's changed about me. And my eyes I guess. I've been told by the ones who've been with me since the beginning that my eyes have changed drastically over the years. They say they look wise, that they hold a lot of knowledge. And let me tell you, even though I do believe that half of those people are fully of crap, they're right. I know a lot more now then I did was back when. So much more… but we're not here to hear about why my eyes look wise, we're here because I did not get that happy ending so many wished for me-I being one of them.**

**  
So, let's see…. Where should I start? I guess I could tell you a little bit of what happened after the jewel was completed. So let's see… what happened back then… oh yes. We collected the jewel shards that that damn Naraku didn't have, had a HUGE bloody fight. We won of course; we WERE the good guys and like they say "Good Triumphs over Evil" or something like that. So we collected the shards, fought, won, got badly hurt, but healed. So what happened to our little group? Well, Sango (who got her brother back) and Miroku got married and had a bunch of kids, Kikyo went to hell with out much fuss taking the Jewel with her, Kagome and I got married, adopted Shippo and had a bunch of kids too… ya I'm joking, none of that happened. No marriages. No kids. Nothing. Miroku had an epiphany and truly became a monk (this is true, though I still firmly believe that it's a cover up and he found some local woman, got married and are making a small village of their own, if you catch my drift).**

** Sango-who did in fact get Kohaku back- married that prince dude and had kids and are making a new generation of Demon Slayers. Lucky demons. Shippo lives with them by the way. Kikyo did go to hell with the Jewel (we crushed it up into powder, mixed it with her ashes, burned them again and threw them into the river… Joking, but we did destroy the jewel.) She tried to make me go with her, but I made my decision to stay with Kagome… Ah Kagome, how I truly did grow to lover her. But sadly, being centuries older than her made things a bit difficult, and so, she left to be with that 'Hobo' guy. Not that I mind, it was bound to happen. It just wasn't meant to be, and I'm fine with that…**

**  
Nothing really happened after that, I wandered the continent, because I didn't see enough of it when we where looking for those damn shards…. I ran into Sesshomaru, and we shared a few words… and a few blows. We still aren't talking, and I'm NOT complaining. Sure somewhere deep down inside I love him and all, but the guy is just to arrogant and stiff and cold and he's too much like a zombie!! You can't have a relationship with a zombie, it's too unstable, you never know when they're going to turn on you and eat your brain. But what I DO know is that he met some demon chick, they mated and little Sesshomaru spawns are running around. That little girl Rin stayed with him until Kohaku came and whisked her away to get married. I think she named her first born after him, don't quote me on that, but I'm pretty sure.**

**  
Let's see…who am I missing? Jaken? He is in fact still amongst the living, poor Rin never did drive the poor imp into insanity (if he wasn't insane already, like c'mon, who stays with a zombie for THAT long with out turning into one…. Maybe he had no brains, ya that must be it, Jaken had no brains… sure explains a lot.)  
And then there is Myoga… Still around, though not when there's danger. Toutosai is still alive and kicking, which truly shocks me… though his memory is becoming worse. But I still love those guys, if it weren't for them, I wouldn't have grown in the way I did. They helped me with my demon heritage, unlocking attacks with Tetsusaiga and much more. Even though they were and still are annoying old farts, I wouldn't trade them for anyone.**

**  
And I guess I could talk about Koga, though I'd rather not… because things between us after Kagome left got rather bloody. For a while we'd fight, trying to kill the other, believing it was the others fault that she left, even though we both know it was inevitable, she was going to leave us for her world, and it was just a matter of time. Didn't mean we had to believe it. But after a while-though we both deny it- we… came to a truce. No more fighting, no more arguing or name calling. It was hard and it still is. We still call names when we pass each other in a crowd, but its all in good humour. And….there was this one time… we both were going though a phase…where sexual preference was being questioned and tried. We did, I admit, sleep with each other on numerous occasions, but nothing ever came from them. Just a lot of one night stands. We enjoyed it; we didn't see anything wrong with it. Everyone goes though it during some point in life. For us, it didn't last long; I learnt that I like sleeping with another male, just as much as I did with a female. Koga said he still enjoyed a female bed companion more than a males, but he did like it. So, he ended up with the wolf Ayame, and they had a good relationship. But she died giving birth to their first child, a son, who sadly died also. Koga wasn't the same after that. He became very irritable, and very unpleasant to be around. But it wasn't his fault, he was wrapped with guilt and mourning. I can't say I know how he felt, because I haven't lost a mate and child. Though when he told me he was going to take Ayame as his mate; that hurt. I believe he took a new mate years later, though I'm not totally sure. So I'm not sure if he had spawned kids. **

**Help us if he did.**

**  
So, everyone got their own happy ending. Miroku got his family (yes I still refuse to believe he's a saint…don't you dare judge me). Sango has her brother, a family and a new Demon Slayer group. Kikyo…. Yup, went to hell (can you count that as a happy ending?). Kagome is in her time, living her life there. Sesshomaru has a family and spawns (help us!!). Koga… lost but found new love, he looked happy the last I saw him… funny how my heart aches thinking about him…. The new moon must be soon…. Funny how lies make the truth so much more bearable.**

**  
SO! Why didn't I get my happy ending? I was entitled to one right? Sure, I did my part, saved the world and what not, so why didn't I live happily ever after? Probably, because in a story there must be one character who doesn't. And that just so happened to be me, though I'd pick Kikyo since she went to hell. So, as always, the one who isn't one race or the other is left without an ending. So what happens to me? Well, I wake up, walk around, think, eat, think more, walk more, and sleep. And I do this every single day. Sometimes there's a fight, so fighting time and healing time is inserted into my little bland routine. But that doesn't happen too often, not like before with Koga and Sesshomaru, before their families came along… lucky bastards. But c'mon, can you see me handling a baby? I can't, so I guess this life fits me… even though it has its sucky moments.**

**  
Ok…I…have a confession… though I just lied to you a few minutes ago, after I said it, it began to eat me. It's about Koga… though we did have those experimental nights, they meant more to me then to him. I think deep down I was starting, like REALLY starting to fall for him, which scared me, love doesn't seem to like me. It seems to skip me. The relationship we had… was nice, we had fun, I've never seen him that happy before, nor had I ever felt so happy. He came back when Ayame died and we tried to pick up where we left off. It was fun at first, but then it got really hard for the both of us. He felt bad for coming back, for soiling her memory. I felt bad because he felt bad. But what you don't know is that our relationship was long. It lasted a long time! I for the first time since Kagome and I started our relationship, thought that maybe, maybe, this was my happy ending. That my happy ending was linked with Koga's. But… then said one night after a round of love, he said he was leaving me… he was going back to his pack to find a female, so they had a leader once he was gone. I knew then, that my happy ending was never to come.**

**  
And that's all someone wants. You just want to find that one person, have that one job and just live together for ever. Or maybe you only want that one job, the job that fulfills you. We all have our own takes on a happy ending, and mine seemed like a privilege, a privilege that some how was revoked from me. I don't know what I did? Maybe I wasn't supposed to survive the fight with Naraku? Maybe I was supposed to die when I was still just a pup. Maybe fate didn't have a happy ending for me. Maybe… I wasn't supposed to survive my birth.**

**  
**-

At this point, I close up my notebook and get ready to leave. I gently place it back into my bag and throw out the napkins I subconsciously tore up. I don't know what's wrong with me, for the past few days those past thoughts have been coming up more and more. In all truth, I haven't thought about Kagome and the others, or Sesshomaru and Koga in centuries. Sure I have a few run in's with my brother, but that doesn't really change the amount of time I spend thinking about him. Kagome's memory is just that; its just a memory, even though I love the thought of what we could have had… it still in the end is a thought, it will never happen, and I'm fine with that. But these endless reminders of Koga are what really kill me.

And so, to get them out of my head, I wrote a little journal. To be perfectly honest, I have no clue what possessed me to write one. I didn't even know how to start it, and by the end of it, it wrote itself. It was as if I zoned out and for once let my feelings out though the keyboard. This has never really happened to me before, and it's odd how I go into explanation on what drink I get, how the server greets me. The detail on my brother and Miroku is dead on; it's exactly what I think. It's so weird… I can't help but reread the first parts…reading the last…reminds me of what I am…what I don't have…

I rush out the doors, quickly hand off my coffee to the nearest person and disappear down the street before they can think twice about it. I walk without a destination; I aimlessly wander around, not thinking twice about where I'm going. It's not like I don't care where I end up because I do. I don't want to end up _there_, I don't want to find _him_, or _him_, because frankly with the way our last meeting went, he has spies watching me (I swear if its that imp, hell's breaking loose). But…if fate wants to be even crueller to me, she would make me run into _him_. Funny, I can type his name and not cringe, but just even thinking,-let alone speaking- has me cringing and fearing that some higher being will read my mind and POOF, the two of us will run into each other. What WOULD be funny if we just went at it on the street! Ahh…. I can see it now, he'll run up to me, land a powerful right hook to my jaw, I'd land a similar one on him, and just to be an ass, he'd reach up and yank off my hat. Damn him to the pits of Hell if he even places a FINGER on MY hat!!

Yes I may be a bit obsessed with a silly article of clothing, but hey, you would be too if you had _two triangular appendages on top of your head! _So now I'm guessing you're thinking about what people say about the colour and length of my hair, since I'm freaking out about my ears? Well…I'm not psychic so _I don't know! _But judging by the looks I get, it's not good. But I don't really hang around long enough to allow people to look twice at me, and if they do, a smile and a nod usually sends them on their way…very, very quickly.

So, as I do what I do best (and _no_, its not making a complete ass out of myself, or getting into fights), I walk around, because as always, I haven't gotten enough of this place, and because I'm just so damn good at it. I just look around and take in what's changed. Number one being the lack of trees, grass and what not. That will always be the thing to bug me; not being allowed to walk around bare foot and having to suffer in wearing shoes and socks (the person responsible for such hideous inventions should be shot… well… should have been shot). Anyways, I think I'll head to the forest (not mine, which has been turned into a shine and houses… remember?).

Yes, and then I'll continue my thoughts since they refuse to leave me be!! And once I type them out, I'll place them in a file and NEVER EVER open it!! And so now comes a big decision… to bus or 'walk'….let us ponder on that for a second…. and walking wins. Less chance of running into anyone I may know… willingly or not. I hate those awkward conversations where you have to watch what you say so no one finds out what you are, or in case there's some subject that just makes you want to destroy the entire bus. Walking was, indeed, safer. And so, I made sure my backpack was safely stuck to my back (I don't need my computer to come falling out and smashing to tiny pieces. Its not something you can put back together by travelling around the continent looking for the pieces…well you could… but it wouldn't be the same).

Back to walking! Bag is firmly placed on my back! And we're ready to go!

Now if you find yourself asking "You have a computer!?" know that I obviously do. How do I afford one without a job? Who said I didn't have one? I do… I just refuse to go to it… instead I work abroad (though the zombie thinks it's stupid… he knows _nothing!_) I've had a job for the longest time now, so long that I really don't need to work (see my reasoning?). I have enough money to last me until I die (whenever that is…) so I have ample money to get me though life, and enough to replace my computer if it breaks… but I'd rather keep this one, so far it's been the best!!

And so we arrive at the forest and I take my place in a tree. So _why_ didn't I come here instead of the coffee shop in the first place? Well… there's a certain atmosphere in that place that calms me down and allows me to think… I should get a job there… naw, I'd just sit in the chairs and ponder about my nonexistent happy ending… so let's ponder that now…. Let's continue what I started way back in the coffee shop…

-

**So since I'm not getting that happy ending everyone waits for, what would mine be? Well… it's simple actually. It's the simplest thing some one could ask for… A family… I want a family… not _my_ family, not the people who died before me; I don't want them… though the thought of meeting my father-again- would be the best thing in the world. And my mom, I'd love to see her alive again… we could be one happy family with Sesshomaru… because in _my_ happy ending, the two of us see eye to eye. I don't want us to get along; I would just like us to have a…mutual understanding towards one another. That would be awesome. I want my own family…a wife and kid… that's all I want… the kid can be optional. I know that one day I'd want one, but now I don't. I just want to find a mate and be happy. That's the family that I want. Not to complex, very simple, very neat.**

**  
But I know it wont come to me easy… if I were to mate with a human… if things don't work out there's no option for a 'divorce', dog demons don't to that… unless she dies… or does something completely stupid… with a human mate, I'd out live them; there's no way that I know of to make them live forever…and I doubt that anyone would tell me. If I were to mate with a demon…well…I doubt one would want to bare my kids, since they'd be part human… and being mated to a half demon isn't the greatest thing… but if I found another half demon… then maybe I could get my family…I wonder if Shiori's still alive…I hope nothing bad happened to her and her mother after we left… something probably did… half demon children aren't safe, no matter where they are… But… I hope she made it…. She seemed so sweet… it'd be sad if she didn't make it… And Jinenji… I wonder what happened to him… he seemed really kind… but… maybe… that wasn't enough… I hope he made it… but there's a sinking feeling inside me saying that he didn't… I hope I'm proven wrong… and I hope… that some higher being granted both of them a passing and allowed them to live.**

**  
**-

I closed my notebook and sunk into the tree. Now that I think about it… I really do wonder what happened to them… I wonder if they're alive and well…. Maybe I should see if I can find them… it would give me something to do… yeah… I'll give Sessho a call and see if he can tell me anything…. No doubt he'd look at me as if I'm nuts without moving a facial muscle. I would have thought getting a mate and kids would soften that ball of ice, but apparently it didn't… I'll have to let her know… I'm sure she'd love that!!

Anyways… what to write down next… what would I like to think about…? No more family business… it's making me annoyed.

"Because _someone_ doesn't think I deserve one!!" I yelled to the heavens frustrated and pissed. The people who get one in the end don't deserve them. They end up abusing them and doing really terrible things! _I _wouldn't do that. _I _would appreciate them, love them and protect them.

"But _someone_ doesn't think I CAN!!" I yelled again. I could… I know I could… I would… I'd be there for them; I'd do anything and everything in my power to please them…

I think…. That if I could…. I'd…. want to be with…

_Him_…

-

**I was told that my eyes hold a wise-ness to them… maybe in my own way I am wise… but I don't think that I am. I think I just survived. When I look into the mirror and look at my eyes I just see dark circles…caused by sleepless nights. My eyes look haunted; haunted by my resurfacing past. Their gold colour has dimmed. Pained… with the memories that the past brings. Emptiness, they look as if there's something missing from deep inside me.**

**  
They say the eyes are the gateway to the soul… if that's true… then my soul… is half dead. Since my eyes look half dead, I must be also… I wonder how long I've looked like this… half dead… empty… pained and haunted… how long? Too long. Is it too late for me? Like all other things… is it really, truly, to late? I wonder what it would take to fully kill my eyes… what would it take to make my eyes look hallow… What would I have to go through?**

**  
**-

I leaned back and looked at the words I wrote. I really do wonder what it would take to make my eyes look hallow… and then… it came to me… like a stench on the wind… it came and made my stomach churn… oh how it makes me sick… Sick with heartache… sick with that damn longing that never seems to want to leave me the hell alone!!

-

**Koga…**

**  
Koga…**

**  
Koga…**

**  
He's what would cause that hollowness to come. If I were to see him, I would fall apart… I grew so attached to him during our time together… so attached that centuries after our affair I still think about him. I still think of what we had. I still wonder, dream, of what we could have had if he wasn't so keen on giving his pack an heir. I think… if it wasn't for that tiny important detail, we would be together…**

**  
**-

My GOD, I sound like a love sick puppy!

I snapped the notebook shut and began to fume. I sound like a puppy, waiting at the door for its master to come home… how much lower can I sink… Why can't I get the fact through my head?! We weren't meant to be! He had an obligation to his pack and I was only there for when the nights got to lonely to bare.

My GOD! Not only am I a puppy… I'm a man whore!! ARGH!!!

I jumped from the tree and glared up at it. Apparently I picked the wrong one… I picked the one that has invisible branches that stab into your heart and makes you look at how hollow you've become… damn tree and its need to open scars…

Sending one last threatening glare at the pain inducing tree, I hopped into another one, and pulled out my notebook, ready to continue on. I could delete what I typed. I could delete it all, and end everything. But I won't… I'll get it all down, and then one day, maybe I'll delete it then… I don't know if it's the fear of forgetting what happened or something else, but… I need to get this down… for some stupid unknown reason; it feels good to get all this off my chest.

SO! Let's find a new topic to write about!

-

**Since I briefly described what I look like, lets get a bit more detailed. I don't wear my Fire Rat Kimono anymore… I had to put it away a few decades ago. I stood out too much, and demons alike now have to keep a low profile. Not that there's a lot of us to make a big deal out of it. Most demons have been killed off (some can thank Sango's family), so we preserve our numbers and stay aloof. Some of them have no choice since they don't look 'human' enough. Demons like Koga and Sesshomaru can walk around with out much worry. Though I wonder what Koga does with his tail… Sesshomaru-like me- ties his hair back like father did (also, what did he do with his tail? I don't remember seeing it when I see his… hmmm). ****I can't though since I don't really have human-ish ears.**

**  
So I tie my hair back so the tie is at the nape of my neck. I grew out of my side burns, so they tie well with my hair, and they do a wonderful job on covering the spot where my ears are supposed to be. I wear regular clothes, jeans, cargo pants, and dress pants, whatever. My shirts are the same as yours, T-shirts, wife beaters, dressy-casual shirts. I wear a hat for the majority of the year… well; it's not really a hat… its more like a tuque. I have many, ranging from all the colours of the rainbow. I don't wear the baseball caps, I like them, but they clash with what I wear. For shoes… I wear the roomiest, most comfortable shoe in the world. I don't wear loafers; those are for old men like Sesshomaru. Sneakers are more my style. I wear very dark stylish sunglasses so I don't draw attention to my eyes, and if some one just so happens to question me, I simply lie and say 'Contacts.'**

**  
Lying seems to get easier as the years go on.**

**  
Now that we have my appearance out of the way… what should I bare to you now? There's nothing really left to tell… my infatuation with Koga is obviously unhealthy and I should be committed because of it. Nothing happened from the jewel years to now. I just walked around. Nothing exciting to report there…**

**  
**-

I saved and shut it down. Hopped out of the tree and began the walk back to the city. Back to my apartment. My empty… lonely apartment.

I was half way there when I spotted the perfect place to sit! It was a small playground. No one was there, which was quite odd since it's beautiful out (one reason as to why I'm not at work). The park is usually littered with stay at home moms and their kids, or small day cares.  
I looked up at the sky half expecting to see huge grey clouds, but the sky was clear. So the weather is not a factor here. But then why aren't there little people running amuck? And NO I don't get off seeing kids running around. It's just an odd sight; it's just like if you walk past a clothing store and there are no manikins standing in the window. It just looks odd. All clothing store have mannequins, and this park usually has one or two families in it.

But! Since it doesn't that means I get full dibs on the SWINGS!!!

I ran like a little kid to the swings, laughing to my self. Out of everything that was invented, I _love_ the swings! The whooshing of the air as you move, the height that you can get is small, but its still fun. And jumping! I love jumping! I should grab Shippo and his girlfriend and challenge them to a jumping contest!!

Oh! That's something I could write about; Shippo and his little girlfriend… though I'll stick more to him, since I know squat about her… although he says that I met her way WAY back in the day.

-

**Shippo hasn't changed much over the years. Sure he grew to be as tall as Sesshomaru, and he grew out of that high annoying voice of his. He really cleaned up well. His hair is as long as Sesshomaru's, and its not bushy, it looks like Sesshomaru's too.  
If you're seeing patterns don't worry, so am I, it's nothing to worry about. You see, when Sango and Miroku…died… Shippo was still too young and naïve to be on his own. He wanted to live with me, but you can't live with someone who doesn't have a house or place to live in. So Sesshomaru took him in (at this time, he had his mate, so it was actually her that took him in), and raised him as a son, as a full demon. So I guess you can say that Shippo is my nephew. Which is cool? I grew to like, and to love him as a nephew. Out of everyone, Shippo is the only one I regularly speak with. More then Sesshomaru, and that's saying something because we work in the same building… and he's my boss. But he can't fire me, his mate would kill him. She likes me. She's obsessed with my ears… another reason why I wear a tuque.**

**  
Shippo is thinking about asking his girlfriend to become his mate, I think she should, they are cute together (though I'd NEVER admit that to their faces). I think they'd be happy together. They've been together for three decades; I really do think its time for them to settle down…**

**  
What the hell am I talking about?! I'm talking about mating! ME! InuYasha! Wow… something is VERY wrong with this picture. So let's stop!**

**  
Hmm… what to talk about….**

**  
**-

At this point I saved and closed my notebook. The wind began to pick up, and the atmosphere changed. Rain was coming. So I gathered my stuff and began the rest of my walk home. But of course I get side tracked and as I pass a little shop, I step in and grab a bottle of water and something for dinner; which just so happens to be Ramen!! Yum!!

One droplet of water was all it took for me to quit walking humanly and run the rest of the way. I just hate wet jeans! They take forever to dry, and they seem to gain weight. So as I arrived at my penthouse apartment, I was only slightly drenched with water.

Perfect.

Chiko was the one who bought me this place. We had this huge argument on how I don't need an apartment this huge, but there is NO arguing with the woman. Chiko is Sesshomaru's mate by the way. She's funny… and sweet… I really need to tell her she hasn't de-zombied Sessho.

I wonder if she has a sister…

-

Ok! I'm on my bed, dinner's at my side and my computer is on my lap waiting to be used. My hair is wet and cleaned, from my shower. I'm wearing blue and red striped pyjama pants, and no shirt.

Sexy!!

Har har.

Any who… my mood has dropped fifty points and now ranges in between negative one hundred and negative two hundred. Why has my mood fallen so drastically? Well it's simple my dear friends… As I was showering, I had a deep thought about _him_. And so, I will write about it. (Damn my shampoo…)

-

**My feelings have never changed, they have never stopped, grew weak or stronger. They just remained; hidden at some points, out in the open at other points. Deep down I know I want to forget about him, some part of me believes that he is the reason why I can't seem to move on and forget him completely. It's the emotional hold he had on me that keeps me tied to him. It's because he was the first person to tell me that they loved me. And when those words were uttered from his lips, I knew I was in deep. And he knew he made a terrible mistake. He knew that he was supposed to keep those feelings to himself. We made a promise that we would fight the urge to whisper those three deadly, life altering words. But, he was just so wrapped up with lust, that he forgot and they slipped. I think if he never said it, I wouldn't be in this mess. I don't want to use that as excuses as to why I'm like this, because that's childish and stupid. I'm just as much at fault as he is… but that stubborn side of me refuses to listen and carries on believing that it's his fault.**

**  
This brings me to another point. People shouldn't say that they love each other, because half the time we're full of something that clouds our judgment. Drugs, alcohol or lust, doesn't matter, those words are deadly and should come with a caution label.**

**  
Ok, new topic, same subject. Ha ha.**

**  
I…**

**  
Want….**

**  
To tell him that I hate him.**

**  
I think that if I do that, I could get over him…. Maybe. I think I could. Hmm… I wonder what he would say if he saw me…. How shocked would he be? I wonder if he'd feel sorry. Not that I want his pity… cause I HATE PITY!! I hate it, I hate it, _I hate it!! _I hate it more then a new moon. Speaking of which, that little even is happening tomorrow night. Party!!! Not…**

**  
Bummer.**

**  
Back to the issue at hand. I think that I should go find him, see how he is and judge from that if I should open my mouth. If he looks happy and has a family, I'll leave him alone and get on with my life. But if he's not, then I'll…say something. Not that I hate him, which may cause him to do something drastic. Something bad. But, I'd tell him something, I don't know what, it would probably end up being a spur of the moment thing.**

**  
Those are always fun.**

**  
My life is full of those… Kagome was one, Kikyo too and Koga. I think he was the best spur because with him I actually did something with him. And I think that may also contribute to why it's harder to get over him.**

**  
Ok, first this was about me not getting a happy ending and now it's about what Koga and I had… I swear I should have never started this and I should delete everything! Oh… now I remember, I thought my happy ending was linked with his… can we say sissy?**

**  
A**

**Happy**

**Ending**

**With**

**Koga**

**I could only dream… stupid bastard has invaded my mind like the plague!!**

**Damn him!!**

**  
**-

I think I'll call this a day… its almost one in the morning, and although I could stay up for another six hours… if I don't shut my brain off, I'll go crazy with all the thoughts about him! SO! I bid you all a good night!

-  
**The next morning…  
**-

My dream! I must type out my dream! I cannot forget this! I can't! I can't! It was just… so… raw! So real! It was like he was actually here with me. Which is really sad and shows you how pathetic I am.

-

**My dream was about Koga, my dear infectious Koga.**

**I had a dream about one of our times together. And it felt so real, I swear I could feel his skin on mine. I could feel his hot breath on my skin. The pain and the pleasure felt so real… so good… I can still feel his fingers on my skin. His tongue torturing my skin… I can still feel everything… and I never want to forget it! It was so real! It was… it really was… I woke up with a _very_ painful erection. That's how real it felt…. And just thinking about it makes me hard…**

**We were in a luscious hotel room-five stars, no lower- but the spur seemed like our second… which happened two years after Kagome left. So it was pretty crazy. He saw me on the side walk, and seduced me up to his room. We had a hot make out in the elevator up to his room, in the hall, and on his door. When we did get in the hotel room, our cloths began to disappear off us, and as we stumbled our way to the bed. He had me lifted of the ground, my legs were wrapped around his waist; our erections pressing up against each other. It then jumped to us on a bed, slowly exploring, cherishing, each other. It skipped through the foreplay that was definitely there. Skipped the preparation and the penetration, and went straight to the thrusting, the biting, the moaning and lust.**

**It was heaven being able to relive that, heaven, but also pure, straight hell.**

**This dream confirmed something for me; I am absolutely _obsessed_ with having a happy ending with Koga. It also confirmed that I must find him and finally break the hold he has on me. Because if I don't I will die.**

**So this will be my last entry until I have found him. It may take me years… it may only take me a few days. But, no matter how long it takes me… I will not write in this again until it's over.**

**  
**--

InuYasha closed the program that he was using and opened up the internet. Logging onto the website that made for keeping track of demons, which just so happened to be half made by Sesshomaru, he quickly began to search for any information on Koga. This was the first time he ever used the site. He swore that he would only use it in a real emergency, and with the last few entries in his little journal, it was proven that this was an emergency.

He found entries about Ayame, her death…. Entries about Ginta and Hakkaku and their families. There was a brief mention of Koga, and as he scrolled down and browsed through the next three pages, he finally found what he was looking for. There was Koga's name, marked as a link.

Clicking the link he crossed his fingers and waited for the page to load. He was going to find out where he was…. What happened to him…? He was finally going to have contact with Koga.

The page finished loading, and he began to skim. He read about the loss of Ayame and what it did to him. He read the rumour about him and how there was a suspicion of them having an affair. Questions on when it started made him chuckle. The assumptions in general made him laugh.

But then he found it, the 'Last Spotted' section. Apparently he went west for a few decades before coming back. It said he left for Alaska when his second mate died. He was tempted to go and find out how, but there was no way he could loose this page. So he read on and saw that the page was last updated by Ginta and that was about a month ago. Apparently he's back in Japan…. What a coincidence…  
Quickly, InuYasha grabbed a scrap of paper and jotted the address of his latest house… it was on the other side of the city…

Perfect!!

Then it randomly hit him: if the demon population had this site… that means that if they had issues with someone, they could easily find them and assassinate them!!! He'd DEFINITELY have to bring this up with Sesshomaru on their annual get together. If he went.  
Grabbing his leather jacket, he made his way to the door. As he palmed the door knob, his phone rang at the same time a chill went down his spine. He slowly turned to the phone and waited for the answering machine to get it. He listened to his greeting and dropped everything in his hands when he heard the voice.

Right then and there… he died… and went straight to hell.

Sweet, beautiful, merciful Hell.

-

_ KOGA_

He doesn't know it. Of course he doesn't know it; I made sure he would never find out. If he did know then I'm a very dead wolf. I'm paying his brother to keep his mouth shut; I'm threatening everyone who knows us to keep their traps shut unless they want to die. It's not that I don't want him to know, because I do. (That I'm alive and know where he lives) I'd love to hold him in my arms again, to kiss his sweet lips, to stay up with him on his moonless nights. I'd love nothing more then to be with him; heart, body and soul. But I can't. I made sure to cut off every tie we made together. I made sure to always be at least a continent away. Because I couldn't stand the pull he had on me. I couldn't resist the urge to stand by his building and wait for him to sense me. So, in a desperate move to free myself I moved halfway across the world. But the distance did nothing and I could feel myself being pulled back home. Back to him.

And now… right now… this very second… I was standing right outside his apartment building with my cell phone in my hand, his number on speed dial. All I had to do was press '2' and I would have him… a single call was standing between me and my mate… a mate that I never took… a mate that should have been my one and only… my two failed ones are proof of that… I'm not one to go back and relive what happened, what was and what wasn't. I know I made a mistake, and I'm paying for it everyday.

But not anymore.

Today I repent.

Today I get him back.

Today I grew some balls.

I pressed the number two button and listened to the dial tone. I waited and prayed that he was home and not out running around doing god knows what. And as fate would have it (the little bitch) I got his answering machine.

"It's me… leave one…"

Beeeeep.

I died then. I died at the sound of his voice. It didn't change… after all these years it was still the same…

"Hey…" I said, my voice wavering slightly.

"…it's me…. I know I shouldn't be calling you…. I know it's been…. Centuries since we last spoke…."

I paused there not knowing what else to say, but I had so much to tell him! I had so much to get off my chest.

"…I regret that I truly do… but… by the off chance that you're there playing mad at the world because of what happened and are inside… please… come out side…"

That sounded completely stupid! God I wish I could take that back.

"Or if you are truly not there and I just made a complete ass out of myself… call me… please… I… I miss you."

My voice betrayed me and cracked right there. I snapped my phone shut and growled at myself. What a sissy!!

And then I realized that I didn't leave him my number… Damn it!!

I looked up at the building, right to the top floor where he lived. I half expected to see the blinds move, proving that he was there and got my message and was on his way down to see me once he figured out that I wasn't bluffing. But nothing moved. Everything was still. Including out here where I stood. The traffic wasn't as heavy as it should be at this hour. At this moment, nothing seemed to be right… maybe I was dreaming… but my dreams never hurt. And right now I was hurting. Not that you could tell, it was inner turmoil that was hurting me. Since it took me so long to gather my balls and actually reconnect with him. I could have done it any time I wanted to. I've always known where he was. Sesshomaru made sure of that. He'd send me updates on how InuYasha was dealing, and he'd leave out no details.

I knew everything… I knew how he tried to kill himself, only to have Sessho stop him… I even knew what he would get at the coffee shop… I'd know that he would order it, but not drink it. I knew everything about that man… It drove me nuts with passion. I knew so much about him but yet I would not let myself be with him. What kind of lover am I? A very bad one… I would crawl to him and beg him to take me back and then I would leave him only to come crawling right back when things got to stressful or when they died.

I guess you guys didn't really know that huh…. I was the one who actually started the relationship and every time I was the one who ended it because I would find someone new who I could have pups with… although I never really did get any… they all died in child birth… or my mate was attacked and killed.

Ayame and my first child both died in child birth… it was the most devastating thing that ever happened to me. I think it was a punishment for what I was doing with InuYasha…. to InuYasha… someone up there knew that I had to choose one or the other and I didn't because I wanted both. I wanted an heir… a woman… but I also wanted InuYasha… who was as sweet as sin… I was selfish and so they took Ayame and my child away from me. They didn't deserve that.

And I didn't learn my lesson. I went back to InuYasha when nights got too cold and lonely. But I ran away and ended our time together when pack duty became too important to ignore. They needed an heir in case something happened to me, in case I died. So I took a second mate… wolves don't mate for life, when a mate dies, we look for a new one… or that's what my pack does…. anyways I took a new mate… I didn't love her like I did Ayame… and I never loved Ayame as much as I did my InuYasha… and so the god intervened again and a human massacre claimed her life and the pup growing inside her.

It was a very sad time and after her I demoted myself and appointed a new leader for the pack. Although I stayed their prince… nothing could rid me of that title and I hated that, but after a few decades I got used to it. That's when I got back together with InuYasha. It always amazed me that he never found a girl to settle down with. But then it would hit me; who would want to mate with a half demon? More 'abominations' would be produced… poor guy… Unless he mated with another half demon… but half demons don't really survive that long thanks to us demons and the humans.

And that's enough with the past. Like I said before, I hate dwelling in it because I did so many wrong things. But then again that's why I'm here… I'm here to set things straight! I'm here to get my InuYasha!

That is if he wants me back…

Ironic that after all these years I'm still the one who comes crawling back.

I am a sad, sad little man… and I am not ashamed to admit that…

And then it happened… the man of my dreams walked out of the building… and when I say walk I mean stormed… he was NOT happy… he looked scary… and with the shift of demonic in the air I knew he was REALLY not pleased with me… not at all…

Crud.

I was hoping for a happy little reunion… apparently not…

Crud, crud, crud!!

-

InuYasha stormed out of his apartment, flew down the stairs and burst out side and locked eyes with Koga seconds after he stepped outside.

He was mad.

He was furious!

He wanted nothing more then to thrust his hand though Koga's chest and rip out what heart he had. How _dare he,_ after all this time, come crawling back! What possessed him to search him out? Although he too was just about to go on a wild goose chase to see if he could find his unhealthy infatuation. But that didn't matter at the moment! Nothing did!

He was across the street and standing mere feet away from Koga in seconds.

Koga's eyes widened in terror, "I-InuYasha…" he stammered as he took a step back, which InuYasha used to step forward. InuYasha growled when his name was said. Even though he was beside himself with happiness that Koga was here and that he said his name, he couldn't help but feel angry with him. He couldn't suppress the need to tear out his heart and watch him die.

"Koga." he growled and took another step closer to Koga who took another step back. "Are you afraid of me?" he wondered out loud slightly amused.

Koga swallowed a large lump in his throat and with a shaky hand reached up to remove the sun glasses that covered the half demons eyes. He wanted to see his eyes; he wanted to know what he was thinking… he wanted to see those gold eyes that tormented his conscience. As he gripped the leg of the sun glasses and pulled them off InuYasha had him pinned against a building. He gasped, not at the sudden imprisonment, but at what he saw. Yes, InuYasha still had his golden eyes, but it was the state that they were in that shocked him. His eyes looked weary. There were dark circles under them, making him look like one of the walking dead. Looking closer, he saw that it wasn't only his eyes that changed, but his face. His cheek bones were more pronounced, the colour of his skin was a sickly pale, he looked hallow. He looked as if he didn't eat anything for the past few years.

"InuYasha…. What happened…" he asked as he caressed his cheek, looking deeper into his eyes. The eyes that had lost their shine. That had lost their mischief. He looked down to examine InuYasha's body; his clothes seemed to hang off of his frame. His hands moved from his face to his shoulders and slid them down his arms and over his chest. He couldn't feel his ribs, but with the way his clothing hung on him, he could guess that they would show pretty soon if he kept living this way.

InuYasha took a few steps back, he couldn't suppress the shudders' that passed threw him as Koga touched him. He locked gazes with Koga, took a deep breath and said, "This is the way you left me…"

Koga's eyes saddened, "No…" regret then ripped threw him, causing his knees to go weak.

"You always left me… did you never think that there would be some repercussion towards one of us? Did you think that I would be fine and dandy after you left me to go sleep and mate with some other demon… some other woman? Did you EVER think that this may affect me? Did you ever think of me? Or was it always about you?" he paused there; he was breathing hard as he tried to keep his anger in check. "Did you think nothing would change when you said you loved me!?" he yelled and shoved him against the wall of the building. "Did you think that I would laugh it off?" he pulled Koga off of the wall only to slam him back into it, this time causing some rock to fall.

"Did you!?"

InuYasha's choice to be gentle flew right out the window, what he would give to throttle him and NOT feel guilty!!

Koga shook his head pulling himself away from the wall when InuYasha stepped back and stepped towards him, "No…" he whimpered and reached up and grasped InuYasha's head firmly in his hands and placed his forehead on his.

"No… I always thought about what this was doing to you. Never once did it ever stop plaguing me. Every time I was in bed with my mates I always thought that I was betraying you! Countless times I wanted to call everything off. I wanted to go to my elder and ask him to remove the mating mark from my mate and myself… I would always wish… always… that something would happen to me… and you would no longer have to put up with the thought of me being with someone else…"

That selfish arrogant bastard!!!

InuYasha blinked and then slammed Koga back into the wall with a cry of anguish, "You think that if you _died_ that I would be happy!? You think that I would be alright if you got yourself killed…. If not being able to be with you made me like this…" he stepped back to allow Koga to get a full look of how different he was. Many pounds lighter, less healthy, depressed beyond words.

"How do you think learning that you died would have made me…? I would probably have died right along with you so that I would be with you… I _want_ to be with you… since the very beginning of our times together…. Before… it would have been different… before…. I was pretending that what was going on between us didn't affect me… but now… I'm not pretending…"

_I can't…_

Koga had long since pulled himself back out of the wall and had his hands back holding InuYasha's face. He looked down into InuYasha's eyes and felt tears begin to gather in his, the words… the feeling…. "I'm so sorry… I'm so sorry." he whispered and crushed InuYasha to his chest, tucking his head under his chin.

InuYasha stayed ridged as Koga hugged him, he was still angry at him, he didn't want to get side tracked by the hug, and he still wanted to feel mad… he wanted to… but as his arms grew tighter, he couldn't help but raise his arms, and hug him back. The familiar warmth… his scent… the way he fit snugly under his chin… but his _scent_, it smelt so much better then it had in his dreams. Everything just felt so much better.

A few seconds into the hug, InuYasha hugged him firmer and hid his face in the crook of his neck and let his tears fall.

After minutes that seemed like hours, the two pulled away with tear tracks on their cheeks. InuYasha looked up at Koga and studied his face with a slight smile. He looked exactly like he did all those years ago. His eyes were still that amazing teal colour, his skin still sun kissed bronze. His hair was longer, much much longer. It was still its rich, dark, almost black brown and it was still worn in a tie and he still had his bangs. He looked down at his physique and could tell that the years were very good to him. He was wearing dark blue jeans with a white shirt that made his skin seem darker.

InuYasha looked up at Koga and with a small smile took his hand and lead him back to his apartment. Inside he knew he shouldn't be doing this, that he should be telling Koga that they had to end this, they had to stop. They couldn't do this any more. They had to make a clean break. But who were they hurting? He didn't have a girlfriend or a mate. Koga didn't have one either. So they weren't hurting anyone, just themselves. But since they've been hurt so many times, they grew numb. Getting hurt was something he didn't want, but it was something that couldn't be helped.

InuYasha opened the door to his apartment and released Koga's hand to remove his jacket. Tossing the jacket onto a chair he turned back around to look at Koga. Koga was looking around, taking everything in. He walked into the apartment and was a bit surprised to see modern furniture. Really nice modern furniture. He ran his hand along the chocolate leather couch and the matching chair that held the owners leather jacket. There was a small dining room set, with four oak chairs with white cushions seated along a matching oak table. That was set off right by the kitchen, which was place at the end of the room beside a hall that lead to the master bed room, guest rooms and baths. The living area took of the rest of the room, which was fairly large itself. There was a LCD flat panel TV set on the wall by the kitchen. The south side of his apartment (which was all living and dinning room) was all windows, which answered Koga's question as to why there were no lamps or lighting fixtures. But there were candles… all in all, the place was all chocolate brown, black and white. There were splashes of green here and there, thanks to plants. Even though Koga thought it was a very, very nice place, it wasn't really what he expected InuYasha to live in. For one, he thought the colour scheme would deal more with red… not earth tones. But then again this was InuYasha… one big surprise…

"You have a really nice place…' Koga said once he was done taking it in.

InuYasha smiled, "Thanks." he said as he walked over to Koga, took his arm and lead him to the couch, where he sat and pulled him down on top of him self.

To hell with it all!! He wanted him. He waited long enough and _nothing_ was going to make him stop. Heart break or not… he _would_ get at least one night with Koga.

"InuYasha… I don't think…' Koga began but InuYasha cut him off.

"Then don't." with a smirk InuYasha adjusted his position so that Koga was nestled in between his legs, and wrapped his arms around Koga's neck, bringing him down for a kiss that threw everything he wrote in his little journal out the window, landing next to him being gentle.

That kiss broke all the tension between the two that they refused to acknowledge.

Shifting in between InuYasha's legs, Koga placed his hands on the arm rest and deepened the kiss. InuYasha's hands began to travel everywhere on Koga's body. They slipped under his shirt to recommit all the crevasses of his body back to memory. Koga broke the kiss when he gasped, and pressed himself into the cool hands on his hot skin. But InuYasha would have none of that, he yanked Koga back down and without asking (since manners were long since forgotten) slid his tongue in to his hot mouth and began to trace out all the crevasses and each pointed tooth; and allowed Koga to do the same to him. InuYasha had pushed Koga up allowing him to sit up and yank Koga's shirt over his head. Tossing it, he pulled Koga back down for another intense kiss.

Koga's hands stayed perfectly still on InuYasha's hips, though he would squeeze subconsciously when what they did really excited him. He knew that he would get time to pay tribute to InuYasha's body a bit later. InuYasha on the other hand, had his hands roaming on every inch of chest he could get. His hands travels across his torso, his nipples causing Koga to moan out and arch into his touch; his hands traveled around to his back where he dug his nails into his skin and dragged them down, leaving ten long scratches that bled.

"Ow!!" Koga cried startled, "What was that-"

"That was for leaving me." InuYasha growled and sucked the blood off his fingers, teasing the wolf. "But this…" he took his arms and wrapped them around Koga's neck. "This is for coming back." He pulled Koga back down and slid his tongue easily into Koga's slack jaw. Koga nearly melted with the intensity of the kiss, and shocks of pleasure rippled though him and settled in his groin. InuYasha wrapped his legs around Koga's waist bringing them closer; bringing their erections up to rub against each other.

As they kissed, pausing for breath once in a while, their hips moved along together, sending jolts through them causing them both to moan and gasp.

"Where?" Koga rasped as he looked down at InuYasha with lust and want.

InuYasha seemed to not hear the question and continued to kiss Koga, his lips, the underside of his jaw, his neck and down to his chest; all the while thinking, _"Mine, Mine, mine… mine… mine…."_

"Yasha!" Koga gasped out again, his hips pushing down into InuYasha's, "Where…" he moaned loudly.

"Down the hall, last, nuh, door…" came the reply.

In a swift motion, Koga was up off the couch with InuYasha clinging to him and blinded by lust, he made his way to InuYasha's bedroom.

There, in a feverish wave of passion, they made up for lost years, lost chances, and made sure that nothing would ever come between them again.

--

InuYasha woke up, around six in the evening, with a large mass beside him. Turning onto his side his eyes widened with shock seeing Koga there. Last night wasn't a very real dream… it was really real. He just stared at the bronzed god in his bed; soaking up how peaceful and sexy the wolf looked when he was asleep. He felt a sting in his chest when he thought about what could happen when he woke up too. He could take one good look at him and walk right back out of his life. He knew that if that were to happen, he would fully become a hollow being and Sesshomaru wouldn't be able to foil his plans with ending his life.

But what made his heart surge with love was that Koga kept nuzzling the pillow, inhaling his scent and, the tightening of his arm around his waist when he moved the slightest inch. He smiled and gently brushed his fingers along Koga's jaw, receiving a content sigh and a snuggle into the pillows. Placing a kiss on the corner of his lips, InuYasha removed the arm from around his waist and with a few winces of pain, got out of bed and limped to the kitchen, not even bothering to dress.

Wobbling over to the fridge naked, he pulled out a bottle of water and drowned half of it in one go. Sighing, he leaned against the counter and thought back. His life just did a 180 degree turn in the span of two days. Not even. And all because he wrote a 'journal', that made him want to seek out his former lover.

He fingered the bottle cap and pushed off from the counter to find something for them to eat. Being so engrossed in his thoughts about him and Koga and what that night could mean, he yelped when he felt a pair of arms wrap around his waist from behind.

"Koga…"

Said demon bent down and nuzzled the other demon's neck, "When I woke up…." he mumbled, "I thought last night didn't happen because you weren't there…."

InuYasha smiled and turned his head to look at him, "Ohh believe me… last night happened… it happened." and he had the pain to prove it. Their first go was rough and needy; very painful. The ones after that, where slow… passionate…perfect.

Koga pulled his face out from InuYasha's neck and smirked; InuYasha smirked back and then snuggled into the embrace. Sighing, he arched his neck back to kiss Koga, who happily responded and went beyond and kissed down his lover's neck and sucked on the healing mating mark.

"So… am I still that bastard that plagues your mind?" Koga asked out of nowhere as they sat at the dinning room table eating toast, sending InuYasha a smirk.

InuYasha's eyes widened and he nearly choked on his own toast, "You didn't…"

"I never knew you felt that way… an unhealthy infatuation… I do hope you can get past that and call me something better… and I must say, I do agree with you on how you described your brother and the monk. Very nicely put."

"You did!"

"And your dream… sweetie, you better leave the writing to me, because if you didn't know, I am a published author… but it was very cute…"

"I'll kill you…" InuYasha threatened as he launched up to attack Koga.

Koga laughed and moved out of the way, "Now now love, if you do that then you will become severely depressed and kill yourself, and I couldn't have that."

"Did you read it all?" InuYasha asked dreadfully.

Koga smiled and remained silent.

"Koga…"

Koga walked back over to InuYasha and held him to his chest.. "You're my happy ending too…please don't erase It." he said and kissed the top of his head.

InuYasha rolled his eyes and snuggled deeper into his embrace, "I can't believe you read It." he muttered.

Koga chuckled, "I'm sorry Love… do you hate me?"

No answer.

"Do you love me?"

Still silence, but a glare was added.

"Yasha…" Koga jutted out his lower lip and pouted.

InuYasha's glare turned into a smile, "Ya…. I love you… you ass."

--

**So, its been about two days since I've last written in here, and I would have done it after we were finished breakfast, but _someone_ didn't want to let me go and again we had the most wonderful sex, not that I'm complaining, but I did want to write this before we continued on from last nights activities.**

**Buuuut…. What ever.**

**It's quite odd how things worked out. I was all for telling him off if I ever saw him again, but… here I am…sporting a mating mark… _his _mating mark. This morning, after he confessed that he did read this, we talked about the past and what it meant to both of us. He of course knew what I thought because he read this…so he mostly did the talking.**

**He confessed that when he was with his other mates that he truly did feel as if he was cheating and betraying me. He had to fight with himself to not leave them to find and stay with me. He told be about how he gave up leadership to his pack so he could find me. He even got very personal and intimate about how he had to be careful not to say my name when he was doing the horizontal tango with Ayame and the other one. (He didn't want me to know her name, because he didn't find it important.)**

**But of course I wanted to know, so I argued that he should tell me and that I would promise not to freak out. No dice. Which sucked… but he didn't know about the web site, I could get all the info I needed from there… that is of course if he doesn't find out about it and change everything….**

**Sneaky bastard if he did!!**

**After that conversation, it went into another direction, which proves that he did really read this… he started to talk about having a family. When that idea left his mouth I couldn't help but fall out of my chair laughing. We both were guys and we all know that guys cant have kids!! It's just not possible!! We have guy parts, neither of us have girl parts… that I know of… I know I don't have them… but Koga? Hmmm… it would explain as to why he must always be on top. No matter what. Egotistical bugger. That's right, egotistical bugger.**

**(I know you're reading this Koga.)**

**But anyways, when he suggested that, I laughed but then came to my senses. It would be so cool if we had a kid, having one would bond us more together, and he could never leave me (and I knew that I could never leave him, because I'm just waaay to in love with him). Because it's what I fear the most. He said that he could go to his elder and get the marks removed, which is like getting a divorce in the human world. That would devastate me. And ultimately kill me.**

**Getting back together with Koga will be the last thing I ever do. If this doesn't go well, I know that I couldn't go back to how I was before. No amount of time could heal the wounds that I would surely receive.**

**Getting back together with Koga may not have been the smartest thing to do, but with the pain he shared with me, I know, that if something was to happen, we both would be devastated. He would lose a third mate and I would lose the only one I wanted a happy ending with.**

**  
Speaking of which, I guess that since I have my Koga that I finally got my happy ending. And you know what… I think that Fate finally did something nice for me for once and gave me Koga back… So I think to make this the perfect happy ending, I would get a child. But hey, I won't push my luck, if I don't get one that is perfectly ok, I have Koga.**

**I have my happy ending… with Koga.**

**Finally.**

--

InuYasha leaned back into Koga's arms and looked up at him, "Well? Is that ok for a last entry?"

Koga chuckled and save and closed the program on the computer and then shut it down. "It'll do I guess…."

"What!! Whadda ya mean 'it'll do, I guess.' You don't like it!?" InuYasha said annoyed.

"Well… for one, I wouldn't go to my elder to get the marks removed, that would be suicide, and I'm not that crazy or in that big of a hurry to get rid of you." he said nuzzling his mates neck.

InuYasha rolled his eyes and wiggled out of Koga's embrace, "Well aren't you nice." he muttered as he crawled to the other side of the bed.

"Love…"

"Don't you 'Love' me!" InuYasha snapped.

Koga sighed and shook his head, "It's that time of the month isn't it…."

InuYasha pouted and glared at the wolf, but remained silent since it was… tonight…

"Look… you have me. There's nothing in the world that can make me leave you."

"…What if Sesshomaru came up to you and said that if you didn't leave me he would kill you and all the members of your pack?"

"…That is a sorry excuse for an example, but… for the sake of argument, I would tell him to shove it and to get over it because there is nothing that he can say that will make me leave you. I have my soul mate. I have my happy ending, and no one will take that away from me without a very large and bloody fight. So stop trying to get rid of me. You have me; I'm not going anywhere….. I love you."

InuYasha rolled his eyes and then smiled, "You're way to sappy." he muttered as he tackled Koga to the bed, who was grinning cheekily.

"And you love it."

-

_Mine..._

_- _

**END**_  
_

-

My next one shot will be sad!! (why? Because I'm evil and sadistic… buwhaha) And because this was intended to be sad and angst-y.

Mika's songs _Erase_ and _Happy Ending_ prompted me to write this… long live musical inspiration!

Also if there are any mistakes in here, I will cry… please point them out, because sometimes going over something a dozen times with spell check, technology still seems to want to screw me over…. How…. Sweet.


End file.
